Asshole.

SO, today is Sunday.
I had a rude awakening to something too embarassing to even mention.. I apologize, followed by a disappointing, but beautiful awakening to the raindrops on my window sill.

Last night Las Americas, the team I'm currently on, had a victorious game. I don't remember the score, it doesn't even matter to me really. I scored at least 10 points, my finger was hurting, and my coach still tends to be an idiot.

"Let the Players play, Coaches coach, and the Officials officiate."

Something I wish he would understand, listen to, and even if he disagrees, respect.

Anyways.

Someone beauitful unintentionally re-opened my eyes to this "sad vibe" in some of these blogs. A depression that you can't and don't actually catch a glimpse of when you see the writer in person. We can all come to the agreement that most people use this blogging site to vent, in other words, write about the deeper layer of thoughts and emotions that they can't put into words with their voice. Like 90-95% of the time, these blogs revolve around school, people from school, and events that take place there. The other 10-5% of it is about our outside-of-school lives, such as sports, jobs, friends, and families. I say this simply because "school," Pre-K until College, is where we spend most our lives, so that's basically where most of our sadness, anger, and eventually depression is caused by or comes from. All these flaws are hidden behind the dique "happiness" that is portrayed when we smile and say "Hello."
It's not like we can do anything about it. Half the time this "vibe" is caused by people we can't change and have no power over, events that, even though we're not part of, are still affected by, and a place that is expected so highly of, like Classical, yet it's digusting inside like.... Can we get a reformation like Central, whose deserving students so much needed it, did last year?? Can we get a stronger staff of teachers who are actually willing and determined to teach us what we need to know, giving us individual attention when needed, and make Classical the "college-preparatory school" that it's supposed to be?? Teachers who actually love what they do, and inspire students to learn, instead of giving piles of busy work for us to do during class and at home. And principals, who know how to discipline students other then just giving out hours of detention? That's OBVIOUSLY not discplining ANYONE because the same people are in detention EVERY SINGLE DAY. Principals who actually get to know and care about a student's well-being before judging them based on their attitude, tardiness, and amount of detention hours they have to serve. Don't any of you actually wonder WHY they have an attitude? WHY they're always late? WHY they act the way they do constantly and continuously get detention? As for the students... we're all a bunch of unique indiviuals who are suffering from the same pain, and yet, we treat eachother like it's the other's fault. What happened to open-mindedness? What happened to compromises? What happened to consideration and respect? Does the "Children are the Future" quote mean ANYTHING?! We're presently in the process of making the future based on what we've learned from the past. And if we all acting like bunch of fake, ignorant, selfish, and self-centered ASSHOLES, then what do you think we're going to be surrounded by later on in life? I bet no one even thinks of any of this the way I do.. And if they have, they're too afraid to speak up. Stop whispering the truth, and maybe, just maybe, people can stop shouting lies, because the truth is finally opened up to them. "Actions speak louder than words." But isn't speaking a verb, making it an action?

Does Anyone Even Care?!

I do, but I'm only one person. There's only so much I can say or do..

I feel like a hypocrit in a way, because lately..

I've been acting like and being a complete asshole.

A queen of all jerks.

With the attitude of the angriest female.

All because of both my in and outside of school lives.

I'm tired of working, I can't sleep through the night, my body is sore, my diet is irregular, which affects my learning and causes my bad attitude, as well as the negativity I'm surrounded by. I NEEEEDDD MONEYYYY and can't do anything about it at this age. I can't wait until June... I'm out of place in so many ways with no one to tell, who will actually understand, so I'm bottling. This world is so stressfullllll. Dique "Life is what you make it." Life is also affected by the surroundings that help make it.

I need a motherfucking vacation.

I need to stop swearing.

I need a new phone, since Zack is going to be the cause of my future diagnosis of being blind.

I need motivation.

So that I can fulfill the need to "step it up."

I need something or someone NEW.

I need sleep.

Blater.

Back in Business.

I don't know how many times I'm going to say/type this, but..

After talking to like 4 different T-Mobile Representatives, Zack is working properly again. :))))))

I'm pretty stoked right now. As well as overly exhausted.

Blater.

Text Me Bitchesss.

*OH! And Lil` Timmy is sooooo coooool. ^___^

"Yeah Man."

There's a funny story to that title. lol.
So, I haven't really done this in a while, but I'm going to talk about my day.
It happened to be an interesting one.

During school hours, I swear to G, teachers and people in general, but ESPECIALLY teachers today were pulling my effin` strings.

First, Mr. Mao was rushing with the notes, as usual, so whatever. Didnt write them.

Second, Mrs. Almanzar gave assigned seats like wtf?! And some kid Alex CUSSED HER OUT. Swears and all, telling her "not to touch his fucking shit" and that "all fucking bases are not squares." Shit was hilarious at first, and then I heard her voice trembling as she called the office so I kinda felt bad, and did my work...

Third, Mr. Lial... OOUF. He split my best friend, Heiry and I apart in his class. Dique I "distract her" and that we both "should focus on piano playing on our own." BULLSHIT. Heiry does her own thing and I do mine; when she needs help, I help her. So the fuck what if we just so happen to have a 2-minute conversation in between time?!?! I DON'T EVEN LIKE PLAYING THE DAMN PIANO! But ask me to play "Jingle Bells" or "When the Saints Go Marching In," I got you.

Fourth, that class was pretty chill today actually. Ms. Lewis was bitchy, but that's on a regular. I had an interesting convo with Jake, who is the most chill, Jewish, white boy EVER. And then in lunch Jake, Grace, and I was like scheming/planning/dreaming/hoping to have a huge ass party for just Class of 2011. That would be madd fresh.

Fifth, after roaming the hallways with Meko, waiting, Mr. Jackson finally showed up and made us do some "due-by-the-end-of-class" questions and essay answers type shit. So I whipped out the iPod, and got busy. Then, Meko was liek craving for my attention and kissed my forhead and then bit my cheek.. wierdo. I still paid him no mind.

Until last period, when I remember that he actually bit my cheek and I didn't do or say anything about it. I was like what the hell ? Half the funnies, which is our big ass group in spanish class, left us today for the other side of the room. So Joel and I got into this convo, which was also very interesting, and got me to understand him a little better. It was cool. :)

After school I watched the first real fight in Classical. Well, between Classical students. It was FREEZING as we waited outside for Gibran and Kenny to show up. They fought. In my opinion, nobody won. Kenny got dropped a few times and Gibran got cut on his lip. the the Boys came and everyone bounced. I only stayed because I didn't want anything to happen to Jenifer.

Then, I went to Young Voices. A little late, but just in time to check in. Today, we had these cruel comments about immigrants and how some ignorant people felt about Diaz's bill to have undocumented immigrants who are in the process of getting their documentation and etc. to get help with financial aid to get to college. I'm glad that we're informed about this kind of stuff because the government doesn't do a very good job of that. It upset me to know that soe people were so damn rude nd outraged at this decision, and most of the comments said were out of anger, not knowing the full deal, and just plain selfishness. SMFHH.

And then Jose developed this new obsession with what my father gave me: my booty. It was so funny. It's like he never noticed before and now that he has, he was so amazed. It was funny, actually. As well as other things that he did... =x

Then, we went to K.P. where Rick, Jose, and I met up with Kendel. :) Yoooo. Kendel mann. I love being around him. He has this... "radically honest" way of speaking. MAD FUNNY, while at the same time oh so serious. today, he was mad hyper and randomly pulledo ut some Smarties when we were at the bus stop. And then on the bus he dropped one, and told Jose to dare him to eat it. `mind you, it fell on a RIPTA bus floor. He ate it. I was laughing so much. Actually, that whole bus ride, he had me giggling and stuff; madd chill. I like people like him. His way of being makes me more confident, and more open-minded, but more confident for some reason. After the bus ride, I had like a brave and courageous mindset.

I dropped off and returned some books at the library and then went to visit Marco, which I normally wouldn't do. I rang the doorbell...

But no one seemed to be home, so I put my headphones back in and started walking my way home. And I was singing out loud to Fragile & Just Hold Me by Maria Mena. I didn't even care who was listening. It felt good. When I got to Atwells, I watched the sunset setting as I was walking towards it. Most beautiful thing I've ever seen near my house.

Got home, got ready for practice. Camisha joined the team, which is like AWESOME, because having me and her on the court is like having Rondo and KG on the court. It's that SERIOUS. Practice was good though. Coach actually had some drills and plays for us. I was proud of him. He basically did everything on my list of things I was gonna cuss him out for. Good Job. ;) Everyone worked really well together today though, which was also great. The only bad thing is that my finger is in EXCRUCIATING pain right about now. =T

I almost ripped my brother's head off with my fists when I got home today though. He's anothe ignorant smartass that swears he knows everything. *When I use the word "ignorant", I mean that a person or people are uneducated about something. && boy, I was ready to FIGHT this little boy! But I'm over it. And I'm talking to Rick and my new friend, Yeriel. I need to call T-Mobile and put a stamp on Melina's letter...
that shower is calling me as well..
So umm..
Blater.



Oh! & before I go.The title story. Kendel kept saying that to answer almost EVERY yes or no question. It was soooo funnyyyyy. Its more of a "had-to-be-there" sorta thing.. Just wanted to mention it, anyway though.

Why Can't You Just Hold Me?

Comfortable as I am,

I need your reassurance.

And comfortable as you are,

You count the days.

But if I wanted silence,

I would whisper.

And if I wanted loneliness,

I'd choose to go.

And if i liked rejection,

I'd audition.

And if I didn't love you,

You would know.

And why can't you just hold me?

And how come it is so hard?

And do you like to see me broken?

And why do I still care?

You say you see the light now,

At the end of this narrow hall.

I wish it didn't matter;

I wish I didn't give you all.

But if I wanted silence,

I would whisper.

And if I wanted loneliness,

I'd choose to go.

And if I liked rejection,

I'd audition.

And if I didn't love you,

You would know.

And why can't you just hold me?

And how come it is so hard?

And do you like to see me broken?

And why do I still care?

Poor little misunderstood baby;

No one likes a sad face.

But I can't remember life without him,

I think I did have good days..

I think I did have good days.

And why can't you just hold me?

And how come it is so hard?

And do you like to see me broken?

And why do I still care?

Boom Boom Pow.

is actually the name of some song by Black Eyed Peas.. It amp's me up.

Like how AIM bangahs get amp`d up by talking madd shit over AIM! I have a new one of those by the way.. One I don't even know this time. All I know is that she's from New York, she's Lolo's cousin's girl, she's knows 'everything about me', and likes to "bang" from another person's sn.. like.. seriously?! && Since when was it a problem to comment pictures on Myspace?

Ideekayy, but Whatev. That was like Thursday's news.

Anyways, basketball has become a very LARGE part of life recently. Although the season has ended, I can't stop playing. I told you guys about the women's league right? About that.. My coach? FUCKING SUCKS. The team I'm on is decent, we need some work, but we have potential. Saturday was my first game with this team and I felt so PRESSURED, not only by the coach, but the whole team as well. Because I do so well in practice, they all expected me to be like super-great at the game. And I have to admit that I wasn't AT ALL. First game jitters maybe? Too much pressure? Because my fingers jammed again? Or simply because of the simple fact that they don't know how to fast break (the part which I do so well at during practice)? I DONT UNDERSTAND. I expect things to be taught next practice, so that we can prosper in our next game.

"What's gonna win the games? Foul shots and lay-ups."

- Mr. O

Anywho, I just got a letter, I just got a letter, I just got a letter, and Melina is who it's from! :) :) :) I miss herr soo muchhh ! She's coming back soon, though I don't know when, I can't wait.

Everyone seemed to love this shirt:

Me, too.

I'm starting to believe that I have no reason to blog really.. I just be writing some random stuff about my life that's of no real importance to anyone who reads it. I'm writing this because, I've recently been following a blog that actually gives readers like moral lessons of some sort.. His thoughts are BIG, and he has a way with words, like better than my way w words. I guess if/when I'm not depressed or in the liking of something or someone, I don't have much to write about. Good thing? Maybe.



Speaking of... I was recently going through my phone and found poems, quotes, pictures, conversations, and voice messages of two people, who I currently have blocked from my life right now. Well, AIM really, cus that's where I talked to them most of the time. I think I talked to these people, and had some type of strong, unoffical relationship with these people for the longest length of time that I've ever had with anyone else. Memories of one made me upset and think NEVER AGAIN WILL I GO BACK, cus this one always went back to someone else. smfhh. As for the other, memories make me think "What If" by Brutha, and after hearing this person's message a few times, and staring at the picture of the once upon a time "us", I cried. smhh.

"My shirt ain`t got no stripes, but I can make that pussy whistle."

-Drake

Lmao.

There's also another artist I've been listening to lately, thanks to Gibran && Jenifer. And a certain song makes me think of the memories that made me cry.

Blater.

* & Oh Yeah, Bitch. Keep hatin` on my 'uncontrollable acne', the 'nose that takes up my face', the nonexistant 'fat that makes me look like a pig', my 'flow that's so off' cus I'm going blind and have to wear glasses, the fact the I messed with your man BEFORE ya even thought of getting together, && YES, I did love Lolo; which is all, may I remind you, NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS AND/OR CONCERN.

Let the past stay where I left it.

Thanks.

Heads Highh, Hit `Em with the Nooo.

I'm MAD hyper right now.

And I didn't even drink coffee..

Brownie + Sour Patches + Juice + Basketball + Ant + Stephon + Madre = HYPERNESS.

Oh and this guy:

Drake<333

I loved him since Degrassi.

&& Now he's a rapper.

My Life Pretty Much Revolves Around..

Basketball.
Everything I do or talk about has a connection to, leads to, or has SOMETHING to do with this topic.
Smile, it's something I love.
So yeah, I know I haven't posted since.. I don't know when.
I keep getting complaints and reminders that I haven't.
I love my readers. :)
Well, I'm here, now.
First, I would like to mention that our Classical boys did it again; They're Division II Champions ! Suhweeeeet. :)
That game was LIVE; thanks to Classical Fans of course.
And MIKE PALUMBO. #11. MIKEY P. MVP. <33333
Naragansett has very POOR sportsmenship.. SMHH.
Especially their fans.. they were unbelievable..
That dumb blonded female is lucky the cop came and talked to me..
Pictures later on in this post.*
After that game, I went to watch another game w Madre.
A women's league in which, neither of us has ever heard of here.
And we joined the team.
We had to lie about my age at first.. Do I look like I'm 21? o_O
And then at our first practice, the coach was amp'd about me playing.. I felt appreciated to be on a team for once in a very long time.. It feels good to feel appreciated. :)
First practice, I jammed fingers on my left hand and my coach broke one of my nails; not completely, but like it's about to come off and I wouldn't allow that because it was like half a nail. Ouch?
Band-aids and Ice.
I've been slipping in English class; no motivation.
Tryna catch up in Geometry; cus I need to and it's easy.
History is like.. sometimes I work and sometimes I don't; Mr. Mao be acting.
I have recently been talking to the most amazing girl I've ever met again: Melina Favalessa. Then, she moved to Florida. =T
We've come to the conclusion that we absolutely ADORE eachother, and when she returns to this shithole, our story can unfold and continue on a new path. Awesomeee. :)
The days are getting better and better as they pass.
The weather is beginning to be of my liking.
I can't fucking WAIT until summer comes.
I have nothing really sophisticated to say on this post..
I know you're probably like: "What the f#%@?! She's gone for this long and this is all i get?!!"
YEAH YEAH YEAH. PUT A CORK IN IT BRO!
My Apologies... lol
I feel like my best-friendship with her is falling off a bit..
Not cool. :(
I'm getting closer to Rick Rodriguez. He's the mannn. :)
And his friend Shawn? Pshh.. Rick you already knoww ! Lmao.
What happened to Lolo?
"Hello, Lolo; Hola, Lola."
I had a dream where those words were said.
And I officially think most girls are STUPID when it comes to decision making.
Like three girls caused me to officially believe in this statement.
SMFHH.
And that's all I have to say about that.
This post has come to an end.
Blater.

I started this a few hours ago and then left at 7pm and jus got back now at 11pm.. jus came from yet another basketball game.

Scoreee :)

What Is Going On ?

Honestly, I don't even know how to put my thoughts and feelings into words right now.
People of our city, our state, have been killing, dying, or being hospitalized.
And the disgusting part is, YOUTH is killing, YOUTH is dying, and YOUTH is being hospitlized.
"Children/Youth are the future."
Recent events are making it more and more difficult to believe that.
Sex, Drugs, & Violence is the big influence from what I've observed.
And the more people try to reach out and guide the "future"..
Its like rebellion.
You try and teach/ tell them "NO", for their own good, and they go on with it anyways.
Who's forcing the sex?
Who's selling these drugs?
Who's giving up the guns?
TO THE YOUTH?!
Who knows?
The forming of "cliques" and "sets" and "gangs".... "families".
Who are out there.. worrying about sex, drugs, and violence.. the unnecessary.. rather than educating themselves to actually become SOMEBODY in the future; meaning someone who makes legal money, who does good for themself, good for others, makes a change, makes themself matter.
Did Obama not influence ANYONE?!
Since when did "families" go out looking for trouble and start taking other people's lives?
IF anyone even feels the NEED to be part of a group in order to feel protected, something is wrong.
Bitch Asses..
Ain`t ya supposed to MEN?
Little BOYS, who are supposed to be maturing.. swearing they're hardboyd cus they trigger-happy.. WHAT?!
Does nobody think what would happen to YOU or someone you cared about was shot or killed?
What would their families think? Feel? Do?
Nobody even cares anymore..
I can't even finish this.

Modnar.

I haven't been dancing lately.
Lots of singing though.
He told me "Fuck You" after I told him to have fun with his new baby because he lost this one. -____--
Now that's not very "father-like" is it ?
Basketball ALL SUNDAY. :)
Ignorant mothafuckas these days..
I swear I was bouta BANG him !

"The failure of the public education is like silent genocide."

"Training" in Young Voices led to debating and then conversation that also led to that quote.. along with elaboration. It actually trigured my interest.
Jenifer left Classical; I cried sooo much.
Only because I know I'm probably never gonna see her again. :'(
People need to just mind their own business.. Real Talk.
I renewed yet another friendship. Still unsure about it though..
I've been addicted to Facebook lately.
Did I mention that already? Lol..

"Families is where our nations find hope, where the wins take dream. "

Coming from one of the Bush's, who pretty much ruined families' lives, this quote doesn't really mean much to me.
I think I'm an insomniac..
Ice Cream && Sex Ed.
I find it pretty hilarious when a "virgin" freshmen girl defends and supports sexual activity as if she was experienced. SMH.

"To better one life is to better the world."

- A. S. Feinstein

Hmm.. Then why do people feel that to take one's life is to better themself ?
The loss of this Angelo dude is really taking its toll on a lot of people's lives..
I don't understand.
Things happen for a reason, and sometimes, there's nothing you can do about it. Cry about it, get mad about it, ask about it, learn about it, question it, deny it, hate it, etc. for a day or two. But in the end, it's over. There's nothing you can do. It hurts.. I know. But what's done is done.. For better or for worse.. =/
You're still living. Learn from it and finally cherish YOUR life.
I feel like I wanna isolate myself and that I'm better off talking to no one except my selected few.
Reggae anyone? =]
I'd join them but..

What would you do if aliens tried to take over the Earth?

What I Call a Good Friday.

Happy Birthday Tre ! =D

Lost a friendship today; dont really care about it.

Renewed another; made me cry tears of joy.

Making one stronger; we'll see how far this goes.

"When one door closes, two doors open.."

Today was a good day.

"I don't wanna be lonely no more. I don't wanna have to pay for this. I don't wanna know the lover at my door; it's just another heartache on my list. And I don't wanna be angry no more. You know I could never stand for this. So, when you tell me that you love me, know for sure. I don't wanna be lonely anymore."

--Rob Thomas

I Really HATE This Guy.

I actually wrote previously about him on Myspace.. (Oouf.. I haven't been on there in a while either..) And I decided I want to re-post them here:

Friday, May 18, 2007
My Biggest Disappointment.
i guess i chud finally say....
finally reveal......
finally come out and be true about sayin it that.....
my biggest disapointment thus far is:
MY FATHER. period.
1. he wasnt there when i was born.
2. he wasnt there 4 me throughout my childhood.
3. he makes promises that he doesnt stay committed to like:
4. says that he will come to see me n he doesnt
5. says he will take me 2 his house n he doesnt
6. says he whud kall n doesnt
7. gives me excuses bout EVERYTHING everytime he does decide to see me
8. when he does come around, it seems im tha last person he comes to see
9. it seems he doesnt evn bother to pick up tha fone buht wen i see him hes alwaysz on tha dam thing!!!
10. he says he loves me;; which probably is true in some fatherly way buht i kant fuckin tell!!
n itsz funny how when i was younger, my mom used to always put him down n talk smack bout him n stuff...i always used to block it off n take his side n make excuses 4 him. i used to always support him n stuff. it made my mom mad n we used to argue bout it.....buht i used to always have faith in him n kept forcing myself to believe that one of these days he would keep his promise. forcing myself to believe he would start coming around more often;; he would spend more time with me;; he would kall every week [[i would say everyday buht thats pushing it]];;that he would be tha father that i thought he was;; and actually make me believe n show me that he loved me!!!!!!!!!! he always asks 4 a ball trophy n i used to always looked to my mom 4 an answer..n the answer was always "no he dont deserve one."
and as i grew older i realized it was true. what tha fuqk has he really done 4 meh?? when the hell did he ever come to one of my games?!?!?! n actually watch me play?!?!?! when was he ever around to celebrate with me n my mom after my team won??!?!?! a few years baqk i used to shoot baskets 4 him........as if they were wishes.....n i figured tha more baskets i made tha more he would come......buht tha more i thought bout making tha shots 4 him n wishing 4 him...the more i missed........i thought that had to mean sumpthing......now i knoe that he never kalls...he never comes around......when he does come he alwaysz "BUSy" 2 busy 4 his youngest daughter i guess.....i remember i spazzed on him 4 not coming......daht was tha first time i actually told him how i feel.....
i..ve learned to deal wit it as i grew older..
n it doesnt bother me as much as it used to.....
i will never lose tha love i have 4 him.....
he IS the one that helped make me......
buht, now it..s like when he comes;; he comes
when he kalls... he kalls [[itsz wateva i talk to him or i dont answer tha fone]]
matter of fact....he..s blowin up my moms fone as i write this......
i guess i..ll kall him baqk.
i still hope he can change his ways...buht yuh kant teach an old dog new tricks like they say....so fuqk it....
my mom is my mom n my dad!!
so im ghud regardless!!!!!

*I was mad young.. lmaoo .

Saturday, May 10, 2008
I Tried.
...So, I was thinking about that guy that helped my mother reproduce (me). I listened to the song that we always sing when we're together (Nowhere by 112), looked at some pictures, etcetera. Then, I thought about how he doesn't know the meaning of "keep in touch" or "call" or "visit," because he never/still doesn't. I thought about how I used to see him every weekend (Pawtucket), then every month(NH), now it's like every few months (???), or none at all. I haven't heard from him since like January? or February? So long ago, I can't even remember. It's funny how I was always the one who never gave him any problems, never brought him down, always made him smile. But I guess that wasn't good enough. Because all the things he said to make me still have hope are just the same ol' useless excuses; bullshit lies, that I REFUSE to hear or listen to anymore. He's just a JOKE, and a BAD ONE i might add; something I can pity, and look down upon. Something I no longer wish to even CLAIM...
...A few weeks ago, I IM my oldest sister, talking about this "father" of mine. She obviously still cares and has love for him; kinda reminded me how I felt before. I ws puttin him down to the MAXIMUM. And like I would've done before, she had his back, rejecting and denying everything i said, defending him, feeding me the same excuses I used to feed my mom. But I spit that shit out. I'm not falling for that bittersweet talk anymore. She gave me his digits and considered I call. I told I might consider, but most likely i wasn't going to call. And then it ended...
...The other day I get a call from my other big sister, mind you she hates the guts and everything about the father we share already, informing me that he moved to Indiana; thousands of miles further from me then he already was
(GOODfuckingJOB.)
NIGGA COULDN'T EVEN PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE AND LET ME KNOW HIMSELF. HE COULDN'T FINALLY DIAL ONE OF THE NUMBERS HE COULD CONTACT ME WITH AND TELL ME HE WAS EVEN THINKING OF MOVING DOWN THERE. HE JUST TOOK MY BIG BROTHER AND LEFT. YOU CARE ABOUT ME THAT MUCH, AND LOVE ME THAT MUCH THAT YOU WOULD JUST UP AND LEAVE AND TAKE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT WITH YOU?!?! AND YOU EXPECT ME TO LOVE YOU IN RETURN AND ALWAYS HAVE THAT DAUGHTERLY LOVE? HOW CAN I HAVE THAT LOVE IF YOU AINT EVER BEEN A FATHER TO BEGIN WITH?!?! YEAH. YOU TRIED IN THE PAST, TO COME AROUND AND BRING GIFTS... NIGGA PLEASE! YOU COULDNT EVEN REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY! ALL YOU DID (AND STILL DO) WAS LIE AND MAKE BROKEN PROMISES. DID YOU REMEMBER I USED TO CRY FOR YOU WHEN I WAS YOUNGER? JUST TO SEE YOU LEAVE MY HOUSE? I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN... FUNNY THING... THATS WHEN YOU ACTUALLY LIVED WITHIN MY DISTANCE. SHIT.. I SHOULD CRY FOR YOU NOW! BUT IM OLDER NOW. IM WISER NOW. I'VE COME TO REALIZE NOW THAT YOU AINT WORTH MY TEARS.
YOU AINT EVEN WORTH MY WORDS.
You aint even worth this blog that I'm writing about you.. or the anger that I have inside because of you.. all the stuff I have bottled up inside because of you. The thought of you just angers me.. and makes me think of all things you've done to hurt, not only me, but all your fatherless children, all your babymamas, your ex-wife even.. But do you even care? Do you ever take the time to think about us? Probably not... Because you know.. you "work", and have to "get your shit together"....DON'T WE ALL!
Those are no longer excuses! You have no excuses! I'm tired of your excuses! I'm DONE with your excuses. and I'm done with you. I hope you have a nice life in Indiana with that someone else and her kids don't even belong to you. because the ones that do belong to you don't even give a f&@% anymore...
...And when you're laying on your death bed and finally remember my number is in your phone, don't call.
I'll just scream, shout, curse, and tell you things that'll make you wish you were dead, or even take your last breath away.
Good-BYE. or BYE for GOOD.
&btw you owe me $100.

* I was.. extremely furious.

Sunday, December 21, 2008
Happy Birthday.
So today is Sunday, December 21, 2008.
3 days before Christmas Eve.
4 days before the actual Navidad.
The birthday of this man my mom fell in love with once upon a time..
The man that helped produce me..
The man who doesn't prove to be a real man in any way..
The guy who has never been there for me.. EVER.
He has never seen any of my report cards.
Never has he watched one of my basketball games (I've playing for about 7 years) and thinks he deserves one of my trophies.
Never has he picked up the phone to see how I'm doing and never has he came to visit.
The one you've all heard about so many times before in previous blogs..
The guy who is the reason I don't believe in promises or wishes. His promises made were forever broken and my wishes for him never came true.
The 'man' who creates problems and then runs away from them.. tries to forget, but can't cus he is constantly reminded.
This irresponsible dude who is a disappointment to MANY including me, becus we expect so much from him and still he shows no sign of meeting those expectations.. over all these years..
The one where I wish I knew where he was or how to get in touch with him so I can remind him about himself, remind him of his responsibility, remind him of me..
So I can ruin the celebration of his birth today by informing him about how I sometimes cry becus his worthless ass is not around, and how I grow angry with my own mother who does everything she can for me and yet I'm still dissatisfied becus of him. So I can scream at him from the top of my lungs and let him know that I am emotionally unstable becus of a man who hasn't even been there! Tell him that he is the reason of this troublesome attitude I have. He's the reason I'm so angry inside. I wanna tell him all these things with my other blogs combined and get it through his head that not only sons need their fathers.. I need mine too. I wanna stab him with my words right where it hurts. I wanna see tears full down his eyes. I wanna stop him before he makes up another excuse or another broken promise and continue going. I wanna him to hurt as much as I do..





And then I want to tell him that I forgive him. I forgive him for everything. Everything he's said and everything he didn't say. Everything he did and everything he didn't do, but should've. I forgive you A.C. aka Dad.

Happy Birthday.

* This is totally irrelevent to my mood, but.. I haven't heard from that guy that people call "my father" since like January or early Feb. ? Exactly why my hopes weren't so high about his promises to call every day "until I get sick of him".. He's such a fuckin` DICK HEADed, BONE HEADed, LYIN` ASS, UNFORGIVABLE, STUPID, MOTHaFUCKin` CLOWN. ugh... He wonders why I hate his DUMB ILLITERATE ASS. There's nothing more I can actually say about him or to him that I haven't said before.. so it's like worthless effort to try && get him to comprehend anything. PATHETIC LOSER who will never be anything/anyone important in his own life, nevermind anyone else's. Yeah, I'm being pretty harsh right now, but ya don't even understand.. It's a neverending game with this dude.. And you can't quit because he he tries to pick up where he left off constantly, over and over again.. In and out of my life like I'm some type of door or something.. SMFH.
And that's what I AM sick of.. his non-existance in my life.

A Letter For S. Lora

Dear Mr. HeartbreakKid,

Sometimes..

I replay && repeat,

When you first told me you loved me;

I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat,

When you took your love from me;

It took rehabilitation,

To try && forget your face;

But only realization,

Could actually get you replaced;

I knew what I had to do,

Even though its not what I wanted;

I had to let you go,

So I don't remain broken-hearted;

Yes, it's still difficult,

Still a losing bet;

That I can't do it fully,

I can't let go of all of you yet.

This is almost 2 weeks old. As you can see, I am fully over him.

Toodles.

Where Have I Been?

Not that anyone actually cares but. . .
I haven't been here, posting lately..
Haven't really been in the "posting/writing mood". =/
Basketball season ended.. :'(
So I'm using my freetime to explore and get shit done. :)
First I'd like to make a note that I have Zack on now.. Only because I was FEININ` for a sidekick and I couldn't wait any longer. So I turned him back on and I mostly use him for texting because its hard enough to text in the dark..
Literally.
My screen is like the dimmest dim a phone can get. I can barely see anythinggg. But it works, so I'm using it until Dylan buys me a LX. =DDDDDD
Secondly, I'M DONE WITH REHAB! WOOOOO ! GO MEE!
I actually been out for a a few weeks now, I jus haven't wrote about it.. And I found A LOT of stuff on my phone that made me reminisce.. jus a little bit. But that stuff was deleted.. Some of it. But I'm over it. For Real. I learned to "let go." (Liani is gonna be so proud of me.) So for those who were worried, liddle Ms. Lovable is ready to "love".. cough cough.. again. :)
But then again.. I'm kinda already too ahead of myself. I've already restarted kinda sorta on this thing. But before I get into this...
Saturday was Jesenia's Sweet 16. I wore heels -- HEELS MY NIGGA! -- for thee very first time. Think I'm tall now? Should've seen me with those bad boys on. Lmaoo. I didn't get to take as many pics as i wanted to becus i forgot to bring the charger... boo. But the party was fun. I danced alottt. And I ended up not hating Francis anymore. That's my new party partner now. Woop Woop! Lol.. And I knew it. I knew it. I fuckin` knew it ---- She looks fuckin` BANGINGGG in a dress. <33 After the party, a slected few (Bianca, Cassandra, Mariah && I) cleaned up and slept with Jese in her hotel room.. NO. You liddle pervs; not like that. It was fun. Didn't sleep until like 6 or 7 am ? And woke up like 6 hours later...to SNOW. Awesome... -___- But the buffet was funnn. "That girl is wearing like 3 different reds." Fun time..

I really wanted to see you today.. And actually the only reason I'm posting is because I don't think I'm going to see you today.. and I would usually be with you around this time, so I'm just wasting time that I'm not with you .. yadda yadda yadda.. You get it. When I'm not with you, I'm thinking about you while IMing/Texting you.. <3

I have a new addiction to coffeeeeeeee . =]]]]]]]]]
I've been taking the bus more than usual lately..
I NEED TO RECEIVE TREVOR ASAP! >=
My tail bone has been hurting me a lot lately too..
Doritoz are the best chips ever created on this Earth.
I miss PopTarts..
I hate Tommy's Pizza.
* If it's not you I'm craving for, it's food. =P
Found this on Christine's blog.. liked it a lot:

"Wanted something out of reach, it's killing me, you're all I see. Until you're mine, I have to find a way to fill this hole inside. I can't survive without you here by my side. Until you're mine, not gonna be, even close to complete. I won't rest until you're mine. Just stop wondering, if we were meant to be. Forget about fate and just hold me. I'm ready to begin, the waiting has to end, right now, today. I've gotta find a way..."

Well that's it for today I guess.

Adioss .