I Really HATE This Guy.

I actually wrote previously about him on Myspace.. (Oouf.. I haven't been on there in a while either..) And I decided I want to re-post them here:

Friday, May 18, 2007
My Biggest Disappointment.
i guess i chud finally say....
finally reveal......
finally come out and be true about sayin it that.....
my biggest disapointment thus far is:
MY FATHER. period.
1. he wasnt there when i was born.
2. he wasnt there 4 me throughout my childhood.
3. he makes promises that he doesnt stay committed to like:
4. says that he will come to see me n he doesnt
5. says he will take me 2 his house n he doesnt
6. says he whud kall n doesnt
7. gives me excuses bout EVERYTHING everytime he does decide to see me
8. when he does come around, it seems im tha last person he comes to see
9. it seems he doesnt evn bother to pick up tha fone buht wen i see him hes alwaysz on tha dam thing!!!
10. he says he loves me;; which probably is true in some fatherly way buht i kant fuckin tell!!
n itsz funny how when i was younger, my mom used to always put him down n talk smack bout him n stuff...i always used to block it off n take his side n make excuses 4 him. i used to always support him n stuff. it made my mom mad n we used to argue bout it.....buht i used to always have faith in him n kept forcing myself to believe that one of these days he would keep his promise. forcing myself to believe he would start coming around more often;; he would spend more time with me;; he would kall every week [[i would say everyday buht thats pushing it]];;that he would be tha father that i thought he was;; and actually make me believe n show me that he loved me!!!!!!!!!! he always asks 4 a ball trophy n i used to always looked to my mom 4 an answer..n the answer was always "no he dont deserve one."
and as i grew older i realized it was true. what tha fuqk has he really done 4 meh?? when the hell did he ever come to one of my games?!?!?! n actually watch me play?!?!?! when was he ever around to celebrate with me n my mom after my team won??!?!?! a few years baqk i used to shoot baskets 4 him........as if they were wishes.....n i figured tha more baskets i made tha more he would come......buht tha more i thought bout making tha shots 4 him n wishing 4 him...the more i missed........i thought that had to mean sumpthing......now i knoe that he never kalls...he never comes around......when he does come he alwaysz "BUSy" 2 busy 4 his youngest daughter i guess.....i remember i spazzed on him 4 not coming......daht was tha first time i actually told him how i feel.....
i..ve learned to deal wit it as i grew older..
n it doesnt bother me as much as it used to.....
i will never lose tha love i have 4 him.....
he IS the one that helped make me......
buht, now it..s like when he comes;; he comes
when he kalls... he kalls [[itsz wateva i talk to him or i dont answer tha fone]]
matter of fact....he..s blowin up my moms fone as i write this......
i guess i..ll kall him baqk.
i still hope he can change his ways...buht yuh kant teach an old dog new tricks like they say....so fuqk it....
my mom is my mom n my dad!!
so im ghud regardless!!!!!

*I was mad young.. lmaoo .

Saturday, May 10, 2008
I Tried.
...So, I was thinking about that guy that helped my mother reproduce (me). I listened to the song that we always sing when we're together (Nowhere by 112), looked at some pictures, etcetera. Then, I thought about how he doesn't know the meaning of "keep in touch" or "call" or "visit," because he never/still doesn't. I thought about how I used to see him every weekend (Pawtucket), then every month(NH), now it's like every few months (???), or none at all. I haven't heard from him since like January? or February? So long ago, I can't even remember. It's funny how I was always the one who never gave him any problems, never brought him down, always made him smile. But I guess that wasn't good enough. Because all the things he said to make me still have hope are just the same ol' useless excuses; bullshit lies, that I REFUSE to hear or listen to anymore. He's just a JOKE, and a BAD ONE i might add; something I can pity, and look down upon. Something I no longer wish to even CLAIM...
...A few weeks ago, I IM my oldest sister, talking about this "father" of mine. She obviously still cares and has love for him; kinda reminded me how I felt before. I ws puttin him down to the MAXIMUM. And like I would've done before, she had his back, rejecting and denying everything i said, defending him, feeding me the same excuses I used to feed my mom. But I spit that shit out. I'm not falling for that bittersweet talk anymore. She gave me his digits and considered I call. I told I might consider, but most likely i wasn't going to call. And then it ended...
...The other day I get a call from my other big sister, mind you she hates the guts and everything about the father we share already, informing me that he moved to Indiana; thousands of miles further from me then he already was
(GOODfuckingJOB.)
NIGGA COULDN'T EVEN PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE AND LET ME KNOW HIMSELF. HE COULDN'T FINALLY DIAL ONE OF THE NUMBERS HE COULD CONTACT ME WITH AND TELL ME HE WAS EVEN THINKING OF MOVING DOWN THERE. HE JUST TOOK MY BIG BROTHER AND LEFT. YOU CARE ABOUT ME THAT MUCH, AND LOVE ME THAT MUCH THAT YOU WOULD JUST UP AND LEAVE AND TAKE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT WITH YOU?!?! AND YOU EXPECT ME TO LOVE YOU IN RETURN AND ALWAYS HAVE THAT DAUGHTERLY LOVE? HOW CAN I HAVE THAT LOVE IF YOU AINT EVER BEEN A FATHER TO BEGIN WITH?!?! YEAH. YOU TRIED IN THE PAST, TO COME AROUND AND BRING GIFTS... NIGGA PLEASE! YOU COULDNT EVEN REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY! ALL YOU DID (AND STILL DO) WAS LIE AND MAKE BROKEN PROMISES. DID YOU REMEMBER I USED TO CRY FOR YOU WHEN I WAS YOUNGER? JUST TO SEE YOU LEAVE MY HOUSE? I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN... FUNNY THING... THATS WHEN YOU ACTUALLY LIVED WITHIN MY DISTANCE. SHIT.. I SHOULD CRY FOR YOU NOW! BUT IM OLDER NOW. IM WISER NOW. I'VE COME TO REALIZE NOW THAT YOU AINT WORTH MY TEARS.
YOU AINT EVEN WORTH MY WORDS.
You aint even worth this blog that I'm writing about you.. or the anger that I have inside because of you.. all the stuff I have bottled up inside because of you. The thought of you just angers me.. and makes me think of all things you've done to hurt, not only me, but all your fatherless children, all your babymamas, your ex-wife even.. But do you even care? Do you ever take the time to think about us? Probably not... Because you know.. you "work", and have to "get your shit together"....DON'T WE ALL!
Those are no longer excuses! You have no excuses! I'm tired of your excuses! I'm DONE with your excuses. and I'm done with you. I hope you have a nice life in Indiana with that someone else and her kids don't even belong to you. because the ones that do belong to you don't even give a f&@% anymore...
...And when you're laying on your death bed and finally remember my number is in your phone, don't call.
I'll just scream, shout, curse, and tell you things that'll make you wish you were dead, or even take your last breath away.
Good-BYE. or BYE for GOOD.
&btw you owe me $100.

* I was.. extremely furious.

Sunday, December 21, 2008
Happy Birthday.
So today is Sunday, December 21, 2008.
3 days before Christmas Eve.
4 days before the actual Navidad.
The birthday of this man my mom fell in love with once upon a time..
The man that helped produce me..
The man who doesn't prove to be a real man in any way..
The guy who has never been there for me.. EVER.
He has never seen any of my report cards.
Never has he watched one of my basketball games (I've playing for about 7 years) and thinks he deserves one of my trophies.
Never has he picked up the phone to see how I'm doing and never has he came to visit.
The one you've all heard about so many times before in previous blogs..
The guy who is the reason I don't believe in promises or wishes. His promises made were forever broken and my wishes for him never came true.
The 'man' who creates problems and then runs away from them.. tries to forget, but can't cus he is constantly reminded.
This irresponsible dude who is a disappointment to MANY including me, becus we expect so much from him and still he shows no sign of meeting those expectations.. over all these years..
The one where I wish I knew where he was or how to get in touch with him so I can remind him about himself, remind him of his responsibility, remind him of me..
So I can ruin the celebration of his birth today by informing him about how I sometimes cry becus his worthless ass is not around, and how I grow angry with my own mother who does everything she can for me and yet I'm still dissatisfied becus of him. So I can scream at him from the top of my lungs and let him know that I am emotionally unstable becus of a man who hasn't even been there! Tell him that he is the reason of this troublesome attitude I have. He's the reason I'm so angry inside. I wanna tell him all these things with my other blogs combined and get it through his head that not only sons need their fathers.. I need mine too. I wanna stab him with my words right where it hurts. I wanna see tears full down his eyes. I wanna stop him before he makes up another excuse or another broken promise and continue going. I wanna him to hurt as much as I do..





And then I want to tell him that I forgive him. I forgive him for everything. Everything he's said and everything he didn't say. Everything he did and everything he didn't do, but should've. I forgive you A.C. aka Dad.

Happy Birthday.

* This is totally irrelevent to my mood, but.. I haven't heard from that guy that people call "my father" since like January or early Feb. ? Exactly why my hopes weren't so high about his promises to call every day "until I get sick of him".. He's such a fuckin` DICK HEADed, BONE HEADed, LYIN` ASS, UNFORGIVABLE, STUPID, MOTHaFUCKin` CLOWN. ugh... He wonders why I hate his DUMB ILLITERATE ASS. There's nothing more I can actually say about him or to him that I haven't said before.. so it's like worthless effort to try && get him to comprehend anything. PATHETIC LOSER who will never be anything/anyone important in his own life, nevermind anyone else's. Yeah, I'm being pretty harsh right now, but ya don't even understand.. It's a neverending game with this dude.. And you can't quit because he he tries to pick up where he left off constantly, over and over again.. In and out of my life like I'm some type of door or something.. SMFH.
And that's what I AM sick of.. his non-existance in my life.