Why?

I don't even know how to start this post off.. Here I Go.

I'm not actually angry at the moment, but I'm just an angry person in General. My attitude is Vile and always uncontrollably active; my temper is Malicious and can be triggered as easily as a nerve; my actions are Horrid, Afflictive, and Destructive. Point Blank. Of course, this developed and became a lot worse throughout my so far 16 years of life. But why? Is it because I lack the ability and self-control and discipline to actually stop it? Probably. Is it because of anything and everything, experience, I've been through in my past? Possibly. Or is it because there's so much in this lifetime that I wish to experience, change, or do, but I can't? Or maybe it's because I am Fearful; of anything and everything I have yet to overcome because I know the future will crash my hopes of fulfilling all of my wants, goals, and dreams in life.

I know I have these unexplainable, weird, & minor phobias or whatever you want to call them such as feet; do not take your socks off around me, do not touch me with your feet, socks on or off, and if your socks are off, don't let me see your feet; don't walk in my room while I'm sleeping, because I know you're there and I wake up, and can't go back to sleep; and I can't have papers touch eachother side by side.. etc. Stuff like that. Although I haven't been diagnosed with any of those, they exist. I have these, too:
- Somniphobia, the fear of sleeping. I've tried to come up with many excuses as to why I can't sleep. It's mostly because I can't sleep alone.. But also because I'm afraid of what I'll wake up to.. or if I'll even wake up.
- Autophobia, the fear of being alone. Whether I'm walking, at home, and especially while I'm sleeping, I struggle to do most things by myself. I need the presence of a breathing human-being close by. I'm SO serious.
- Philosophobia, the fear of falling in love. Because I'm afraid of the pain and suffrage I'd have to endure in the long run; consequences. Which also falls under my fear of being left alone, and the fact that I can never stop swimming in the ocean once I've dived in too deep.. There should be a fear of losing someone or something..
- Gamophobia, the fear of marriage. This goes hand in hand with the love one due to the simple fact that I couldn't be with the same person for the rest of my life; reason I left my ex-boyfriend, he was too perfect. I can't be alone, but I can't be with someone for too long.. What is wrong with me?
- Lockiophobia, the fear of childbirth. It's not that I don't want children, it's just the process of it. The sex, the human growing inside your body, the ejection of the baby through areas that are not supposed to open that wide, the years of responsibility, the worry, the growing up and teaching.. etc. I don't think I could handle it. It's mostly the fear of sex.
- Thantophobia, the fear of death or dying. A major phobia of mine. I have so many unanswerable questions for death. Why? Where do I go? Is there an afterlife? Who will I see? Will I be alone? Why live to die? I don't understand! neither do I want to die.. It's a sad feeling. I don't want to leave anyone behind in fear I won't see them again. Heaven or Hell? WHY?!
- Zeusophobia, the fear of a God or gods. I'm scared there is a God. I'm afraid there isn't one. I'm frightened at the f act that I don't know nor does anyone else, we just have books that teach us Faith or Evolution for which if we choose one, there's either "good or bad consequences".. I'm scared that if there is a God, I will be severely punished..

All those lead back to my main point; Biophobia, the fear of life. Because there's so much I wish to do, so much there is to do, so many people to meet, and places to see. And I can't. My life is threatened. Our lives are threatened. We're destined to die in 2012. And I'm fucking SCARED. This has been on my mind a lot lately. I don't completely understand or know why, but the Bible says it and it's been scientifically proven. I have 3 more years to live. And you know what I'm giong to be doing? School. Trying to build the future I will never get to enjoy, because of these theories. Everything I have ever hoped and dreamed for, down the drain. Everything I'm working for now mine as well be thrown up on and flushed down the toilet. I can't do anything about it because I am under 18 and attending high school.I want to change the world.. Save the world. And I can't I'm dying to live, and living to die. And I am Furious. Because no one can answer this simple question: Why ?



Btw, I am Catholic and do believe in God. I just wish I could be more religious, attend Church, be Baptized, and learn more about my Religion. I want to be able to celebrate holidays like Easter by going to church and not just having dinner. But it's hard for some reason in this family, and I can't do it alone..

more on this subject another time.. Happy Easter.